I’ve got nothing

Or, too much of something.  I had ideas for a post earlier this evening.  But now, it seems to be a mood thing.  I’m just not sure I am in the mood to write about any of these good ideas.  So, I’ll make note of them, hopefully find them between now and next week, and blog about one or more of them then.

Maybe mood would suffice as a topic?  I’ve certainly been what I would consider moody, or brooding, for much of my life.  Usually low-key, not too many highs or lows.  Just trying to maintain a nearly constant level.  Flip to today, and most recent times, and I think I go tripping through the double rainbow of moods and emotions, all the way.  Which has me wondering, what does it mean?

Yes, I just invoked one of the latest memes, that I am aware of at least.  But in all seriousness, many days of late can seem to go from moments of bliss and wonderfulness to stark screaming despair.  And then back to something “normal”, whatever that is or means anymore.   It is like being a human yo-yo.

At the heart of it, I would have to point to the ongoing hospice care of my father-in-law.  Which is rather unfair to invoke, in a way, as my direct involvement is nothing like what my brave and devoted wife is doing.  Being there, day after day, she is on the front line, in the trenches.  At best, I drive up from the supply depot at the rear to her location on the front, trying to do my part to assist.

But, this lingering experience, how it has shifted our lives and daily life, seems to have opened a Pandora’s Box of emotion.  Maybe that is good?  Even in the roughest and darkest of times in the past weeks, I’ve been able to see and tell that the ride was still in motion.  As long as I keep moving with it, I will not have to be stuck in that emotion.

There have been times of comfort too, where I had a feeling of freedom from worry or disappointment.  I was so keenly aware of how special such times were, due to the other emotions and moods.  Instead of just thinking “this is nice”, I would take careful note of how great such a moment was, and express gratitude for it.

And I’ve noticed when others are hurting too, far more than usual, I think.  I’ve not been perfect or as needed in all cases.  But compared to trying to ignore the obvious, as I have usually done in the past, instead I’ve said “hey, I know what you mean.  I understand why and how you feel that way.”

I’m not claiming to have the good or best answers for some of Life’s Big Struggles and Questions.  Who does, really?  I suspect the point is more about continuing to ask such questions, to struggle with Life and what it means.

I am reminded of how, in the arrogance of my high school days, one of my favorite sayings was “Life is Hard, Get a Helmet” when someone gripped or complained.   As if I had the hint of a clue about how Hard Life Is.  I most certainly did not.  It makes me wonder why does it, Life, have to be so hard, painful, harsh, crushing.  Yeah sure, the hard times make us appreciate the good times, blah blah blah.

It use to just be about me, how my mood was, how life was going for me.  At least now, I can care and notice when others are having a hard time, sympathize, all far better than I use to.  Earlier today, I had this thought; even the folks whom I get along the least with, who just rub me the wrong way, are human beings too.  Flawed, messed up, fearful they have nothing, wanting to have something.  Just like the rest of us.  Deserving to know comfort when needed.

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~ by Neal Cross on August 17, 2010.

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